I don’t want this anymore – pt 3 – this is not a song about a girl

This is totally a song about a girl…

I want to say I'm honestly just trying to get general perspective, and I trust the judgment of this group. I'll be concise, or try to.

So this is about a girl, kinda, but it's also not, it's about me, and my feelings of weakness. I come from divorced alcoholics, early age. Mom treated us like house plants, dad was a house plant. Lived in both houses, neither gave me anything close to functional as an example to build from. I can't use that as an excuse, but I honestly have some parts duct taped back onto the machine after coming up the way I did. I don't work right.

I took what looked right, shed what didn't, tried to fill in the gaps to be a good man. I been fucking up somewhere because I keep falling short for people when they need me. My best friend, some 10 years back, I remember seeing him the last time telling him to get his life in order, the next morning he was gone. I feel like there was more I could have done. Dated my dream woman after years of friendship, not sure I could have fucked that up worse. I should have been prepared, I experienced things that should have prepared me for the struggles we encountered. But when the fire got hot, I broke, like broke. She found me crying in the shower, broken. I was dragging her down, I couldn't be who she needed and I broke. It got worse and worse and I ended us. I knew it was a bad idea but I didn't stop, I was too broken and too egotistical to just shut up and calm down. I've dated other women, but I only think of her.

The last two years, they've been hard. I'm way out of the city, caring for some elderly family, driving a shitbox car across town and back. It's been hard to find identity. I liked who I was, but now I don't, because I see a man who nobody can follow, a man who tries to lead, but let's down those in his shadow.

She and I still talk some, I feel she still feels, but I don't think she trusts, I don't know how to rebuild that but I'm trying, clumsily. I know that's out of my control, all of it is really, but I'd be a fool to say that I don't care about it, because she gave me breath and took it away in the most fulfilling way. She is my light, she was before we were we, just like my old best friend. I can't justify my failures when they break other people along with me.

So yeah, this is about a girl, but it's about a boy, who wants to understand why being a man seems just out of reach.

I feel like a fool, am I a fool?

Do I deserve this?

Click here for the full post on the Evident Stoics tumblr

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s