I appreciate everything people had to share in my other thread, thank you. I feel that I need to start a new topic, and hopefully some of the same folks see this.
After some reflection, I do see how right most of you are. That holding into my past is very much haunting me like a ghost. I want to let go of so much, I need to. This morning I felt a feeling I hadn't felt in a decade, the morning was a thing unto itself for the first half hour or so, I don't know how to explain it, I just didn't feel any strings pulling me this way or that. I woke up and remembered that I used to greet each day new, like I just wanted to see what was in store, I think that's what I lost, the ability to exist in this second and this moment. That's what I need again, I need to revive my ability to exist right now, outside of myself. That sounds crazy when I read it…
I'm taking yalls advice, I've invited several people to a music show tonight. Doesn't seem like they want to go, so I may end up running solo, I guess we'll see what happens. I invited my ex too, but I doubt she'll come either.
I guess to my point… Regrets, letting go.
I come from a very fucked up family, good people but holy shit did they make some bad decisions. Low and behold, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I've tried to take the best of the examples I had, and filling the gaps for what I new wouldn't work, but somehow I managed to make many of the same mistakes they made coming up. I do not blame them or anyone, I'm just recognizing that I don't have complete knowledge of functional relationships.
So i can make more friends, I can adapt to solitude. That said, I'm not sure I can pretend to be happy without my love. It's not that I need to be needed, in all honesty, I just love to give. And this one girl, she was it, she was my beastie for years, and the deepest love I ever felt. We both hit a hard place, I tried to carry us but I grew weak. I left us, when she needed me, I needed her, we needed us… And I left, because it was too hard. I'm hoping there's something left with her still, but that's not something I can decide.
I know I need to let go of these things, but I genuinely question myself. Like, if I can't hang when shit hits hard, who's gonna be on my team? So like I said in my other post, this often feels like a coping mechanism to help me see what I did wrong, but doesn't mean I know how to make it better again. I'm struggling to understand what I need to do aside from be patient and just shut the fuck up.